originally published in the Middletown Press, Bristol Press and New Britain Herald The theory of Belligerent Design states that the universe was created by an intelligent being with a chip on his shoulder, who takes his aggression out on hapless humans such as you and me. This theory isn’t taught in schools, due to opposition […]
Humor
Safe At Last From Teen Terrorists At Taco Bell
originally published in the New Britain Herald and Bristol Press People of America, rejoice! I passed my Homeland Security check with flying colors, which means you can safely read my articles without worrying that you’re endangering the security of the homeland or anything. I’m serious. When I started working for this paper full-time, I expected […]
Stimulate Me
originally published in the New Britain Herald and Bristol Press You know those history-book photos of 1920s German housewives shoveling banknotes into their stoves? The captions explain that runaway inflation in the Weimar Republic made burning money cheaper than buying coal. This will never happen to the American dollar, because anyone who tries burning it […]
For A Good Time, Call Jennifer: My Brief Career As a Phone Sex Worker
originally published in the Hartford Advocate and Fairfield Weekly “Oh yes,” I sighed. “Yes. Right there. Please – oh! Oh, God. Harder. Please, oh God, Simon, don’t stop. Oh yes Oh, yes ooooooh.” My words melted into incoherent moans. “You like that, don’t you?” Simon’s husky voice demanded. “I love it,” I gasped. “You smell […]
Manscaping
originally published in the Hartford Advocate Manscaping The complete body hairlessness of Brazilian waxing may be coming to a regular guy near you By Jennifer Abel “Deep in the Brazilian jungle, where the sun never shines through the dense undergrowth onto the dark forest floor, bulldozers are clear-cutting the rain forest.” That’s the family-friendly way […]